How to speak Liberal:
How to oppose a tax cut - Since most average families would like to see their taxes go down, and a Republican is proposing such, make sure to focus on the wealthy, and only look at the amount of the cut, but ignore altogether their collective tax BURDEN. Evaluating the whole story won’t help here, just recite something simple like, “it’s a tax cut for the rich and big business”.
How to oppose a justified war - Since 70% of the country backs the war, focus on the innocent lives sure to be lost (ignore that they’re 1. going to die at the hands of the regime anyway (and probably in a more gruesome manner) and 2. going to die most likely at the hands of the regime in the war, rather than our smart warheads). Also, make sure to say something about how you can support the troops and not the President… this will help you later in your defense of your lack of patriotism. If all else fails, enumerate each and every reason proferred by the administration for the war: WMDs, Regime change, al-Qaeda link, September 11th, freedom of the Iraqi people….. and when convenient lash out at any failings or even perceived failings in each of these. Be cautious, however, when dealing with a principled administration, if a cause is advanced, it’s sure to be accurate, so push hard while the proof is questionable or not readily available and go into hiding when you’re proven wrong….trust me, people will forget what you blabbered before the war.
How to blame Republicans for everything - just use the word “big” in front of any perceived institutional or social opposition. Some examples: big business, big oil, big tobacco, big corporations With a word like “big” in front of them, who on earth could find it in their heart to support one of these horrible institutions.
How to gain support for continuing failing government-run social programs: If anyone questions an obviously failing program, question their compassion for the down-trodden, the disabled, the poor or the minority. This will insure that the opposition will back down, as in today’s world it’s more egregious to be labeled a bigot, prejudiced or a “hater” than to be called immoral, unethical or atheist.
How to win a presidency: Run on the concept of wealth for everyone, even those who choose not to work or help by promising to take from the greedy, evil rich (ok, middle class is fair game too) and give to the poor; threaten senior citizens with their medicare, prescription drugs and social security; minimize the perceived need for strong military (afterall, that whole “provide for the common defense” clause in the constitution is just misinterpreted by evil strict constructionists); lie about your credits, affairs and opponents, it does wonders; and if you find yourself on election day still behind, isolate a small liberal jurisdiction or two, send in the lawyers, Jesse Jackson and David Boise and try to steal the election (be careful, though, trashing military votes in place of accepting convicted felon votes can backfire if caught - but don’t worry, if the local counters can’t steal it for you, your lawyers can take it to the supreme court, which has more conservatives and will provide you with four years of undending whining about a “selected, not elected” president). *caveat - make sure your party at least wins in the following midterm elections if you want this argument to hold any weight
How to take down America: Vote a straight democratic ticket……hell, it’s easier than thinking.