Sample of the “non-partisan” 9/11 hearings….
BEN-VENISTE: I’m going to ask you some questions…. but first, I’d like to take a few minutes to bash the current administration, while ignoring the faults of the previous adminsitration, I’d like to make some statements that my liberal brethren would like to hear, and hopefully will generate applause from the activists in the audience. I’d like to begin with a non-partisan statement endorsed by Bill Clinton, Al Gore, John Kerry and Ted Kennedy. Republicans are bad, very bad.
RICE: Is there a question you’d like to ask?
BEN-VENISTE: Just answer the question, Brown Suga’.
RICE: But you haven’t asked any.
BEN-VENISTE: I realize that, but by not answering you’re giving the impression you and the administration have something to hide.
RICE: We have nothing to hide.
BEN-VENISTE: Come on, honey, I only have a limited time to be on television, and your diatribe has wasted much of it.
RICE: I’ve said 13 words.
BEN-VENISTE: Seventeen, dammit! You’ve said 17 words and that’s just like a Republican to spin the facts. Now let me ask you about the title of a paper I wrote in college that should’ve led this administration to taking steps to abolish all thing evil in this world. Do you know it?
RICE: Of course, I do. It was called, “Bad things will happen to Americans.”
BEN-VENISTE: So why didn’t you prevent 9/11? I laid it out for all to see.
RICE: But your paper only detailed the dangers of wild tumbleweeds and severe thunderstorms in the Midwest, what does that have to do with national security?
BEN-VENISTE: Look, little woman, will you just answer my question? I’ve prepared a proper answer if you’d like to read it into the record instead of answering with facts and other mumbo jumbo truths.
RICE: No thank you.
BEN-VENISTE: Again, you’re taking too much of my time with your rhetoric and talking points. And again, you’re refusing to cooperate. Would you agree to make all national security documents public so we can openly discuss all strategies and tactics of the U.S. intelligence agencies and military?
BEN-VENISTE: Well I have no more question to axe you.
RICE: Thank you for your time.
GORELICK: You caused 9/11 didn’t you?
RICE: What kind of question is that?
GORELICK: Look, I’m asking the questions here. Now you’ve wasted all my time and I only have enough time during this meeting where we’re supposed to be asking you questions, to offer my own prepared statements on the evil Bush administration.
RICE: I’d be happy to answer questions, if you have some.
GORELICK: No, thank you, we’re quite content with hearing our own voices and this is my only shot for my kids to record mommy on television with our new TiVo system. It’s quite interesting, it’s like a VCR, but you can record shows….
KERREY: Let me jump in here and…
…remind everyone that Republicans are evil…
…and let me ask you, Dr. Clarke, err…Mister Rice….err, Sweet, Sweet Condi Baby….
…ignoring that the previous administration was in office for nearly 3,000 days and endured half a dozen bombings, attacks and other acts of terrorism, why did you not rid the face of the earth of all evils in your 233 days prior to 9/11?
RICE: We were developing plans, trying to undo the do-nothing policies of the prior administration…
KERREY: Answer the damn question, woman!
RICE: I am….
KERREY: Yeah, but you’re answering the question I asked, I want you to answer the questions I have NOT asked yet!
RICE: How do I do that? I’m not a mind-reader.
KERREY: You’re the National Security Advisor, you should be able to see a minimum of 12.7 years into the future. Are you telling me you’re incapable of doing your job?
RICE: With all due respect….
KERREY: Look, why do you focus on Iraq, instead of going after bad guys?
RICE: Iraq WAS bad, in fact in your own speech a few years ago, you said exactly the same thing and said anyone who disagreed should be shot on site.
KERREY: Don’t use my own words against me, I had a different reason for saying what I did then. Now I’m trying to help a friend win the White House….er, I mean…..um…. SHUT UP, HO.
RICE: Excuse me?
KERREY: Look, I’m almost out of time, and since you’ve failed to answer my questions, I will now call myself Condoleeza and enter a statement into the record on your behalf….
(party favors twirling)
(audience breaking out in song)
….we have determined in a non-partisan way that President Bush is a bad, bad man. We have also determined that despite all economic indications to the contrary, he’s killed the economy, despite the lack of attacks on our own soil since 9/11, he’s failed to protect the country, despite the fact that he’s a Christian, we’ve determined, through documents we’ve authored ourselves, that he is, in fact, the Devil.
Thank you and good night.